“Sometimes you are the one who did the leaving and has changed.”

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Never Go Back: 10 Things You’ll Never Do Again (p. 18). Howard Books. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)

Change and maturity are so important for all of us!

Henry says, “I see this often in family businesses where an adult child leaves the family business either because of conflict with the parent-boss or a drive to ‘make it on his own’ or because he has simply not grown up in some way. So things don’t work out, and he leaves.

“Time passes, the adult child works in other places, experiences failures and successes, or gets the ‘need to be on my own’ out of his system. He has grown up, feels less like a child under the parent’s control, or whatever. He comes back into the business and is very successful, fulfilled, and happy. But the important thing to note is that the child has truly changed and matured.

 “If you are that adult child, be honest in examining your reasons for going back: Have you grown up and matured and now feel ready to settle down in a family business or move back to your hometown? Or are you coming back simply because things didn’t work out for you and you need a rescue? Hard questions that must be answered.

He goes on, “Sometimes going back can work when expectations have changed or matured and the wish for something different has been given up. I see that sometimes in marriages that are put back together and reconciled. But if the relationship is going to work, something must be different in the expectations of the one who left and is coming back. If you’re the one who left and now want to return, look at yourself to see if you have truly changed or are simply coming back because you’re lonely or sad. There must be something different in you if you want to make something work that didn’t work before. Likewise, if you are the one who stayed, before taking back the one who left, ask yourself, ‘What is different? In me or the other person?’

“If you have had problems with addiction or self-centeredness or being overreactive, controlling, or perfectionistic, you must make significant changes for things to be different. If you go through a meaningful awakening or get into real recovery or take a chill pill or mature in relationship skills, then something truly is new. Then, when you go back to your spouse or significant other, you will be going forward not backward. The relationship has a chance of working because you are a different person.”

He then says, “The key here is this: if you are going back to a job, person, relationship, town, or whatever, the question to ask is, Have I changed in some significant way so that what I am going back to is truly what I want and what I am capable of making work? Not just because I desire for it to work, but because I am different in a way that will make the relationship or situation different? Is this a going forward or a going backward? In what tangible way has my change proven itself? Where is the ‘fruit’ in my life?

Very important questions to ask and answer, aren’t they? 

Yes, yes!