Just Continue That Thought...

A thought by Gary Chapman, from his book,  When Sorry Isn't Enough  (p. 35). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon to buy the book.) Gary says, "Blogger Reese Andrews shared a moving story:      My youngest son, Asher, is ten years old. He has epilepsy and cerebral palsy and uses a wheelchair. Yesterday, as my husband was helping load Asher and his wheelchair onto his school bus, a young woman drove her car slowly past the stopped bus. She knew what she was doing. She caught my husband’s eye as she approached the end of the bus and he watched her drive through the intersection and away.      I wish I could tell you this was an unusual occurrence, but unfortunately it happens at least once a month. Someone is too busy, in too much of a hurry to stop while a bus is loading or unloading kids. What happened next, however, was totally out of the norm.      About an hour later we heard a knock at...

A thought by Gary Chapman, from his book,  When Sorry Isn't Enough  (p. 34). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon to buy the book.) And it can be, can't it? Gary continues, "Often our reluctance to admit wrongdoing is tied to our sense of self-worth. To admit that we are wrong is perceived as weakness. We may reason, Only losers confess. Intelligent people try to show that their actions were justified." Gary says, "The seeds of this self-justifying tendency are often planted in childhood. When a child is excessively punished, condemned, or shamed for minor offenses, the sense of self-worth is diminished. Subconsciously, the child makes the emotional link between wrong behavior and low self-worth. Thus, to admit wrong is to be 'bad.' The child who grows up with this emotional pattern will have difficulty admitting wrongdoing as an adult because to do so strikes at his or her self-esteem. "The good news is that as...

A thought by Gary Chapman, from his book,  When Sorry Isn't Enough  (p. 25). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon to buy the book.) It really does.  Gary continues, "When we’re specific, we communicate to the offended person that we truly understand how much we have hurt him or her. Specificity places the focus on our action and how it affected the other person." Jennifer says, "And the more details we can give, the better. If I stood someone up for a movie, I wouldn’t just say, 'I’m sorry I didn’t make it to the movie.' It would mean more to the person if I could list all the ways my action affected her. 'I know that you left your home on time; you stopped what you were doing. You made it down here during rush-hour traffic; you had to wait and be concerned about my well-being. I know that you like to see the entire picture, and for you, my neglect may have made you unable to enjoy the movie since you missed the begi...

A thought by Gary Chapman, from his book,  When Sorry Isn't Enough  (p. 22). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon to buy the book.) Good question. Gary continues, "Maybe not always, as we shall see. But it does form the basis of our first language of apology: expressing regret . Expressing regret is the emotional aspect of an apology. It is expressing to the offended person your own sense of guilt, shame, and pain that your behavior has hurt him deeply. It is interesting that when Robert Fulghum wrote his book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten , he included as one of the things he learned: 'Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.' Expressing regret is fundamental to good relationships." Gary says, "Apology is birthed in the womb of regret. We regret the pain we have caused, the disappointment, the inconvenience, the betrayal of trust. Regret focuses on what you did or failed to do and how it affected ...

A thought by Gary Chapman, from his book,  When Sorry Isn't Enough  (p. 17). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon to buy the book.) And that is what we need and want, isn't it? Gary says, "Sincere apologies also assuage a guilty conscience. Picture your conscience as a five-gallon container strapped to your back. Whenever you wrong another, it’s like pouring a gallon of liquid into your conscience. Three or four wrongs and your conscience is getting full—and you are getting heavy. A full conscience leaves one with a sense of guilt and shame. The only way to effectively empty the conscience is to apologize to God and the person you offended. When this is done, you can look God in the face, you can look yourself in the mirror, and you can look the other person in their eyes; not because you are perfect but because you have been willing to take responsibility for your failure." He continues, "We may or may not have learned the...

A thought by Gary Chapman, from his book,  When Sorry Isn't Enough  (p. 16). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon to buy the book.) Here is the whole paragraph. Gary says, "When a pastor encourages a wife to forgive her erring husband while he still continues in his wrongdoing, the minister is requiring of the wife something that God Himself does not do. Jesus’ teaching is that we are to be always willing to forgive, as God is always willing to forgive, those who repent. Some will object to this idea, indicating that Jesus forgave those who were killing Him. But that is not what the Scriptures say. Rather, Jesus prayed, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.' (Luke 23:34) Jesus expressed His heart of compassion and His desire to see His murderers forgiven. That should be our desire and our prayer. But their forgiveness came later when they acknowledged that they had indeed killed the Son of God." (Ac...

A thought by Gary Chapman, from his book,  When Sorry Isn't Enough  (p. 14). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon to buy the book.) That's very true. Earlier Gary said, "When one’s sense of right is violated, that person will experience anger. He or she will feel wronged and resentful at the person who has violated their trust. The wrongful act stands as a barrier between the two people, and the relationship is fractured. They cannot, even if they desired, live as though the wrong had not been committed. Jack, whose brother swindled him years ago, says, 'Things have never been the same between us.' Whatever the offense, something inside the offended calls for justice. It is these human realities that serve as the basis of all judicial systems." He continues, "While justice may bring some sense of satisfaction to the offended person, justice does not typically restore relationships. If an employee who is found steali...

A thought by Gary Chapman, from his book, When Sorry Isn't Enough (p. 10). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon to buy the book.) This could be an important subject at this time of the year. Gary continues, "That is because we have different 'languages' of apology. He says, " 'I have seen this often in my counseling,' Dr. Jennifer Thomas said. 'One spouse says, " 'If he would only apologize,' " and the other says, " 'I have apologized.' " So they get into an argument about what it means to apologize. Of course, they have different perceptions.' "I have observed numerous couples in my office exhibiting similar behavior. It was obvious they were not connecting with each other. The supposed apology was not having the desired effect of forgiveness and reconciliation. I also remember occasions in my own marriage when Karolyn would apologize but I considered it rather weak, ...