Just Continue That Thought...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book,  The Power of the Other (p.17). Harper Business. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) I know, I know this is a little technical, but it can also be very practical and very crucial. Henry says, “By relationship we are talking not just about hanging out with your pals in a fraternity house. We are talking about specific qualitative relational connectedness . Neuroscience has shown us that these kinds of relationships, even seemingly insignificant ones, greatly enhance performance and even help build, fuel, and sustain the physical connections hardwired in the brain. “This is why you can feel very differently and perform very differently, depending on whom you are with and what is going on in that relationship. Moreover, it is in relationships that our minds are actually built . These relationships affect not only our bodies and brains, but our mind’s abilities as well. Infants who ha...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book,  The Power of the Other     (p.13). Harper Business. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And that is a very good thing. Henry says, “But . . . the relationship must be the right kind of relationship, more than just hanging out with pals. The relationship must provide very specific functions and very specific energy; it must deliver very specific constructive experiences and encode very specific information within the brains of those in the relationship. The right kinds of relationships wire us for resilience and success.” He goes on, “Daniel Siegel is a professor at UCLA and a leading neurobiologist. He is one of the scientists whose studies of the brain help elucidate how it interfaces with the aspects of life that determine our success: ​ ·       The clinical arena: how we feel, think, and behave; ·       ​The relat...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book,  The Power of the Other    (p.7). Harper Business. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) This is so important for us to know and understand. Henry says, “This invisible power, the power of the other, builds both the hardware and the software that leads to healthy functioning and better performance. For example, research shows over and over again that people trying to reach goals succeed at a much greater rate if they are connected to a strong human support system. Similarly, research shows that elderly who have suffered heart attacks or strokes fare much better, with lower incidence of recurrence, when they join a support group. Other research has shown that people who tap into the power of the other have stronger immune systems, tend to get sick less frequently, and recover faster when they do. Even if you eat an unhealthy diet but are part of a close-knit community, you will li...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, The Secret Things of God: Unlocking the Treasures Reserved for You (p.30) Howard Books.  Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And that is so true. Henry says, “Through trust, we connect with God in a way that shows our reliance on him and our surrender to him. This is what he desires most from us. He wants us to trust him and depend on him more than any other thing. In fact, he says that without trust, or faith, it is impossible to please him, to have a relationship with him, or to receive anything from him. (See Hebrews 11:6) Trust is the essence of ‘faith,’ and it opens you up to all that you need from God.” He goes on, “Learning to depend on God will make your life larger than you could ever imagine and better, in every way. As you trust, you will step out in faith and receive blessings you never would have received and accomplish things you never thought possible. It is the way...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, The Secret Things of God: Unlocking the Treasures Reserved for You (p.24) Howard Books.  Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) Now, the him that Henry is talking about is God.  And he starts by saying, “Whenever we seek him, we are responding to his stirring something in us. So, respond to that little voice inside, those thoughts, those wonderings. Talk to him; tell him that you are looking for him. Talk to someone who can help you.” Henry goes on, “ If you do know him and cannot find him right now , hear this: that is normal too. Even if you feel that you are going through a ‘desert’ experience and that God seems far, far away, know that in reality, he is always near. Either there is some reason he is not doing anything at that moment, or he is doing something and you cannot see it. Though it may be distressing, it is a normal part of the spiritual life. The psalms are full of...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Integrity (p. 94). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And we really do need each other. Henry says, “When people feel needed, they perform at levels past the ones that come out of other requirements. To have a job or meet some quota is one thing. But to be performing because someone needs you takes you to levels that only the heart can push you to. There is a huge difference between the kind of leader who comes in and says, ‘Here are the goals. They have come down from above, and corporate is demanding that we get it done. So, no slacking off or not giving less than one thousand percent. Meet these numbers or I guarantee you some heads are going to roll. I will see to it personally. Anybody who doesn’t do their part might as well get the résumé ready’ versus ‘OK, guys. We have some big goals here. They are daunting, in some ways. But, that is what is being asked...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Integrity (p. 91). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And we so many times need this. Henry says, “Encourage literally came from ‘in courage.’ The courage is put ‘into’ you from the outside. Our character and abilities grow through internalizing from others what we do not possess in ourselves. My mother literally ‘gave me strength’ as if through a transfusion. “But, that could not have happened if she had just come along and said, ‘Oh, don’t be afraid. You can do it,’ or, ‘It’s not that hard,’ for neither of those would have integrated both sides of things. For me to be helped, and to connect with her, I needed a model who was strong enough to depend on, but vulnerable enough to identify with . That combination is what made it work. In essence, it said, ‘ Hey, she is like me, in that she is afraid sometimes and feels like she can’t do it. But, she does it a...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Integrity (p. 85). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And this is so important to see. Henry says, “. . . instead of just setting a standard, the parent of grace gives support, coaching, teaching, structure, modeling, help, and consequences to empower the child to get there. Those are things that the child cannot provide and so are ‘unmerited.’ They are given without their being earned, and that is grace. But grace is not removing the standard. The requirement stays, and the person of grace does what is possible to be ‘for’ the other person’s meeting it.” He goes on, “In marriage or intimate relationships, this kind of character does the same thing. Certainly, one holds requirements and standards. But, if the other person does not meet them, the person of character does not retaliate or go instantly looking for someone who can. Instead, he or she becomes a ...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Integrity (p. 65). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And we all need that, don’t we? Henry says, “Invalidation wipes out the other heart and closes it off.  Think of the contexts of life that change when a person has the ability to connect with the other: In business, deals are won and sales are made. Employees and employers serve each other better and disputes go away. Conflicts are resolved within contractual relationships and lawsuits are avoided. Medical malpractice lawsuits are avoided when a doctor listens and understands what the patient or family has experienced as a result of an error. In personal relationships, marriages are healed when a closed-off spouse finally hears and understands what the other has been feeling and experiencing. Wayward children are won back when they feel that their side of things is finally listened to, and vice versa. Ex...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Integrity (p. 55). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And that is a very good question, isn’t it? Henry says, “Why do the ‘nice couples’ get divorced? Why do the ‘loving parents’ have kids that go sideways and join countercultures? Why can’t some really nice leaders capture the hearts of their people? It is sometimes because when it comes to human behavior, being nice is not enough. We have to be connected with, and that is a whole different dimension of character. What is that dimension?” He says, “Fundamentally, what undergirds this component of character is involvement in the ‘other.’   Connection is the opposite of ‘detachment,’ whereby a person is a kind of island unto him- or herself. Now, don’t confuse that with being introverted, or extroverted. Those are styles that can be used in the service of either connectedness or detachment. You can...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Integrity (p. 53). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) Trust is such an important thing. He says, “In the end, trust is about the heart, and someone making an investment in you from his or her heart. And if you gain people’s trust, their heart, then you also have their desire and passion. Heart, desire, and passion all go together. Without one, you don’t have the other. That is why some leaders only get compliance , but can’t capture their people’s best efforts. It is why some parents get obedience in the short term, but not autonomous kids who desire to be the best for them that they can be. These leaders and parents just impose their will on the other people. “But the good ones capture the other people’s will, their true desire, through connecting with them first. It is the difference in the parent who tells the teenager to ‘get with it and stop hanging o...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Integrity (p. 34). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And results are what we want, aren’t they? Henry says, “What I have tried to do here is to take those aspects of character and put them into functions that tend to be different from each other, therefore discrete, and at the same time, related to each other, therefore integrated. If we have that combination, then we can focus on specific aspects of our makeup and, at the same time, be focusing on all of our makeup and getting it working together. That is what brings results and effectiveness, i.e., when we can focus enough on specific issues to grow and as a result, get it all working together. Let’s now look at what those aspects of character are: 1.     The ability to connect authentically (which leads to trust) 2.     The ability to be oriented toward the truth (which l...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Integrity (p. 33). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) This is so important to understand. Henry says, “Another way of saying this is that while you don’t need all the gifts that exist in the world, you do need all the aspects of character while you are putting your gifts to work.” He goes on, “For example, we will see that one aspect of character is almost purely ‘relational’ in nature. And we could say that there are people who are ‘gifted in relational ways,’ and that they should focus in an area that uses those gifts. Put them in human resources or psychology or customer service. . . But, even the ones in the ‘people-oriented jobs’ will fail if they do not have other character abilities, such as the ability to be in touch with the truth of a situation and to see it clearly (another character dimension we will look at). If they lack that ability that is n...

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book,   Integrity   (p. 9). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And we want to reach our full potential, don’t we? Henry says, “In my own experience in over twenty years of working with CEOs, boards, managers, management teams, VPs, partners, supervisors, investors, and those who have a stake in their performance, I have seen many honest, ethical people of ‘integrity’ who were not making it in some way. While we would say that they all were people of good ‘character,’ the reality is that their ‘personhood’ was still preventing their talents and brains from accomplishing all that was in their potential . Some aspects to who they were as people that they had never seen as important to develop were keeping them from reaching the heights that all of the other investments they had made should have afforded them. While they met the criteria for having ‘integrity,’ t...