Just Continue That Thought...

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.40). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) Codependency can drain you emotionally. John says, “The ‘need to be needed’ problem, codependency is the tendency to take responsibility for others’ lives, unhappiness, problems, or character immaturity. Whether it is motivated by concern, guilt, or a lack of understanding, codependency results in rescuing or enabling behaviors. If you tend to be codependent in your relationships, I guarantee you will feel drained at some point.” He continues, “There is a reason that those who enable others feel drained. Codependents take ownership of problems that another person should be worried about. They are actually shouldering a burden that is not theirs to bear. It does not fit, it is not right, and it harms them and the person they want to help by regressing that person and removing them from accountability for their lif

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.39). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) But some believe the myth that if you love people, you will be emptied, drained, and sucked dry. John says, “Many people are concerned about this, afraid that if they give of themselves too much, they may get in trouble emotionally or not have enough care to give to others they are responsible for, or even enough to take care of themselves. For example, a friend of mine who is a nurse in the intensive care unit at a hospital told me she was thinking about changing her career, as it took too much away from her. ‘After an eight-hour shift, there’s nothing left of me, and then I have to care for my family. But I don’t have anything left to give,’ she said. There are other serving, relationally based careers that have this issue, such as teaching, ministry, counseling, and the like. This is a common concern. However, it

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.37). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) But we can't use that as an excuse at not growing. John says, “We are never truly finished with changing emotionally and spiritually, though we can make great changes and strides toward becoming a healthy, loving person. That means that, along with the proper and righteous anger and hatred we need, loving people will still slip up and be selfishly mad and revengeful toward others they love. While that is not a good thing, it is a real thing.” He goes on, “So do not expect yourself to never be angry with those you love; do not be totally disappointed with yourself when you fail . Keep working on demonstrating love and healthy expressions of anger and hatred, while giving up the unhealthy versions. However, in your mind, and in your loving relationships, there needs to be more love than anger and hate. This mix

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.36). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) So, what is the deal with hatred? John says, “While anger is an emotion, and emotions are transitory and can change quickly, hatred is a stance. It has no real time limit to it. Hatred indicates that you wish someone ill or desire revenge or pain for them. It is more of a value and attitude than an emotion. Hatred can destroy love and relationship. That is, if you dislike someone so intensely that you find yourself wishing the person harm, or that he will fail in life, it is anti-love, the opposite of seeking and accomplishing the person’s best.” He goes on, “Often, hatred that will not go away has other causes that keep it alive. For example, a lack of forgiveness, a relationship in which we feel helpless and controlled, our resistance to the freedoms of others, and our envy of the success of others are common r

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.33). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And we need to see this. John says, “Anger is an emotion. Like all emotions, it serves as a signal to us, giving us information we need. Feelings are like the warning alerts on your computer screen. They pop up when your battery is down, when a virus is present, or when your hard drive is full. That way, you know it is time to do something. In the same way, the emotion of anger pops up to signal us that there is a problem to be solved. There is action to be taken about some matter. The angry feelings generate energy, awareness, and focus so that we can move quickly to fix whatever is going on.” He goes on, “Just as computer alerts are neither good nor bad in themselves, anger is also morally neutral. What drives us to anger can be good or bad. For example, my sons now have the same shoe size as I do, so sometimes

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.31). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And there is a difference. John says, “Loving people don’t put up with evil and foolishness. That is enabling and rescuing, and it never helps anyone. Instead, people who are truly loving will confront, limit, and quarantine people who consistently make wrong choices. So keep that distinction in mind: love seeks the best, but it does not enable bad behavior.” He goes on, “But with all this said, remember that as you grow into a more loving person, you will seek good for that person and wish good things for that person. It may have to be from a distance, with some separateness, especially if the person is very toxic, and you must be responsible for yourself. But loving people still go further than merely tolerating an unlovable person as the person continues to grow in love and grace. “Not only that, but lovi

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.31). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) Yes, but we sure do want it, don’t we? John says, “And the unkind, self-centered, destructive people in your life are so bereft of love that they often need a miracle to get them out of their mess. And that is what the good news of Christ is all about: ‘For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God.’(1 Peter 3:18) It is our very state of unrighteousness that moved God’s heart to reach out and love us in an unfathomable way.” He then says, “This is important to understand in relationships. When you truly love someone in a mature way, you seek the person’s best, but you also seek the person, as much as that is possible. That is, love goes further than tolerating someone or having the ability to stand being in his or her presence. That certainly may be all you can do i

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.27). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) It really is but is that true love? John says, “One of the most important realities of the nature of love is that the ‘lovability’ of the other person is ultimately irrelevant. Said another way, the more we require that the other person be lovable in order for us to care, the less loving we are. The converse is also true: the less we require the person to be lovable, the more loving we are.” He goes on, “This is not an easy reality, but it is true just the same. It is certainly much more natural to care about those who care for us. But what is natural is not always what is mature and what is best. For example, my friend Donna is married to a man named Dylan, who can be quite self-centered and controlling. Dylan has been unkind to Donna, though he rarely admits or owns it when he does. He is not abusive or unfait

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.26). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) It makes a real difference. John says, “Research seems to indicate that not only is love a spiritual and a developmental matter, but there is also a hardwiring aspect to it. That is, scientists are beginning to tie in attachment and connection to biological and neurological structures and processes. They see a two-way street of interaction between relationships and how the brain develops. Relationships affect the brain, and vice versa. This is exciting research because it suggests that we are designed to connect relationally and personally, from our cells on up, and that relationships are a powerful force in how we grow and develop. “Neurotransmitters in the brain, as well as our hormones, are part of this research. For example, the brain chemicals dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are being associated with

A thought by John Townsend from his book,     Loving People (p.23). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And, of course that is what we want and need, isn’t it? John says, “Henry Cloud and I conduct an intensive weeklong retreat for leaders several times a year in Southern California, called the Ultimate Leadership Workshop. In this setting, leaders from all aspects of leadership—from the corporate world to small business leaders to pastors, teachers, and ministry leaders—meet to develop their leadership capacities by dealing with their character issues, personality, and inner worlds.” He goes on, “I remember one recent workshop week in which I talked to Randall, a pastor who was a very task-oriented, driven, and somewhat obsessive person. He was intelligent and had good and clear motives and values, but he was stuck in the left side of his brain. When he interacted with others, his conversation tended to drift t

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.22). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) They are a part of love but not the only part. John says, “The value of seeking and doing the best for the other encompasses every part of us: our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, words, and decisions. Seeking and doing require intentional focus and outcomes. But we must use all parts of ourselves to achieve our goal. Jesus says we are to love God ‘with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ (Mark 12:30) We use all those parts to best love God. And as a result, we use all those parts to best love people.” He goes on, “So loving people love emotionally, as well as in values and behavior, in the way God models his love for us. Our values and our emotions are linked in love. They cannot be separated, nor should they. A loving person without feelings cannot fully experience love’s power.

A thought by John Townsend from his book,     Loving People     (p.19). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) That is so right, isn’t it? He says, “When we love someone, we bend our heart, mind, and energies toward the betterment of someone else. That is what loving people do. It involves the whole person. It is ongoing and intentional. “This understanding of love. . . has to do with how we treat each other. That is, at its heart, love is a value . A value is something that forms the basis for who you are and how you run your life and relationships. People have values for their finances, such as conservative or aggressive investing values. They have values for their careers, such as concentrating on what they want to accomplish with their gifts and talents. And they have values for their spiritual lives, such as making God a central part of their lives and adhering to the tenets of their theology. Likewise, people

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.13). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) We were, we really were designed for love. John says, “This material is not about becoming someone you’re not. In fact, it is about becoming more of who you were truly meant to be. It is ultimately about the authentic part of you that God created. It may be buried way down inside, inaccessible, frozen, dormant, or undeveloped. But you have a God-given capacity to give and receive love, and you will be a better person when it begins to emerge and become part of your everyday life. There are specific skills you can learn in order to ‘do’ love, no matter what your background.” He goes on, “At this point, you may have an objection like this: Love isn’t a ‘how-to.’ That sounds artificial and forced. I can’t make myself feel and experience love by some act of the will. “This makes sense. We cannot force ourselves

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.3). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) The three words are, “ I love you .” John says, “Whether you are on the giving or receiving end of these words, they reach deeply into us and transform us. They remind us that love is one of the most important aspects of our lives, guiding our steps from our early years to our last days.” He goes on, “I recently took my wife and kids on a ski vacation during a school break. When it was time to return home, one of our sons wanted to stay longer to snowboard with friends. Austin, one of his best friends, was among them. We made arrangements for other parents to drive him home later that day, and my wife and I left with our other son. “That evening, our son called us and said that everything was a big mess. He misjudged his time and took off for one more ride down the mountain when it would have been better to m

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book,  The Power of the Other (p.17). Harper Business. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) I know, I know this is a little technical, but it can also be very practical and very crucial. Henry says, “By relationship we are talking not just about hanging out with your pals in a fraternity house. We are talking about specific qualitative relational connectedness . Neuroscience has shown us that these kinds of relationships, even seemingly insignificant ones, greatly enhance performance and even help build, fuel, and sustain the physical connections hardwired in the brain. “This is why you can feel very differently and perform very differently, depending on whom you are with and what is going on in that relationship. Moreover, it is in relationships that our minds are actually built . These relationships affect not only our bodies and brains, but our mind’s abilities as well. Infants who have a

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book,  The Power of the Other     (p.13). Harper Business. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.) And that is a very good thing. Henry says, “But . . . the relationship must be the right kind of relationship, more than just hanging out with pals. The relationship must provide very specific functions and very specific energy; it must deliver very specific constructive experiences and encode very specific information within the brains of those in the relationship. The right kinds of relationships wire us for resilience and success.” He goes on, “Daniel Siegel is a professor at UCLA and a leading neurobiologist. He is one of the scientists whose studies of the brain help elucidate how it interfaces with the aspects of life that determine our success: ​ ·       The clinical arena: how we feel, think, and behave; ·       ​The relational arena: how we relate to others; ·       and ​ The perfo