“When a conversation gets tough, many people simply disappear.”

A thought by Mike Bechtle from his book, Dealing with the Elephant in the Room: Moving from Tough Conversations to Healthy Communication (p. 60). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)

That is so true, isn’t it?

Mike says, “They don’t like conflict, so they disengage from the other person to avoid confrontation. But at the same time, they put their feelings in writing where they can be aggressive without having to deal with the other person’s response. They might also start talking to others about what the person is doing.

“Communication is kind of like being on a dance floor with a partner, and we’re trying to dance together. Dancing isn’t an exact science, and success depends on being attentive and responsive to what the other person is doing. We can’t ignore each other.

“When we criticize someone behind their back, it’s like ignoring our partner on the dance floor. Instead of trying to work with them, we simply criticize every move they make. We yell about their lack of skill and how inferior they are to us. We’re dancing alone instead of dancing together.”

He goes on, “A good friend of mine owns a contracting business. It can be a cutthroat field in which lawsuits are often assumed even before a project begins. Most communication takes place through email. He told me that those email conversations often escalate quickly, and each reply becomes more heated and vicious than the last. In a matter of a few hours, tempers flare and accusations are made. ‘It just becomes the way people communicate,’ he said. ‘It’s all being done in writing, and it’s easier for people to yell when they’re not sitting across the table from each other.’

“He said that when the first email comes through that hints at rising emotion, he doesn’t reply. He simply picks up the phone and says, ‘Hey, I got your email. What’s going on? Let’s talk about it.’ Sometimes he’ll take the time to drive across town to have lunch with someone just so they can look each other in the eyes and share their perspectives. ‘It doesn’t matter how tough they are or how heated they sound in writing,’ he says. ‘Almost everybody softens when you sit down with them.’”

He then says, “That’s a key principle: We can’t text a tough conversation. The tougher a situation gets, the more we need to move toward face-to-face connection and attempt to see the other person’s perspective.”

That is very good advice, isn’t it?

Yes, yes!