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“The more important a relationship is to us, the more work it takes.”

A thought by Mike Bechtle from his book, Dealing with the Elephant in the Room: Moving from Tough Conversations to Healthy Communication (p. 25). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)

Maybe that is the reason we don’t have many strong relationships.

Mike says, “That work takes place through communication. The longer a relationship continues, the more challenging the communication becomes, and it’s easy to find an elephant in the living room and wonder when it arrived. Knowing the stages a relationship goes through can provide clues to elephant prevention.

“There are eight stages that relationships go through as they mature. These stages look different in different types of relationships, so they need to be adapted to each situation. But the basic process is the same.”

He goes on, “Let’s see how this applies to a typical couple. Their relationship might progress like this:

“1. Attraction. Two people catch each other’s attention. Something about the way the other looks, talks, or acts, produces the first spark of interest. (These first impressions take place in every connection, from a dating relationship to a job interview.)

“2. Approach. That interest leads them to connect with each other, usually in some type of conversation. They find something they experience together to talk about, whether it’s the event they’re attending, the environment, or some other common ground.

“3. Admiration. During the conversation, they use that common ground to explore other possibilities of mutual interest. The more they discover about each other, the more they want to keep discovering. So they set up future times to connect.

“4. Attention. The couple enjoys being together, so they look for opportunities to be together more often. Each is on their best behavior, trying to impress the other person. Eventually, they commit to a relationship.

“5. Accommodation. The relationship grows, and they focus on making each other happy. Most of their conversations have been about the things they have in common. But over time, their uniqueness comes out, and they have to explore their differences. That can lead to some uncomfortable conversations, but their commitment to each other drives them to find solutions.

“6. Anticipation. After the wedding, they ride their high emotions as they begin their life together. They’re excited, and they’re happy. Sure, they have lots of little disagreements, but they’re so much in love that they find ways to work through them. The energy of the relationship carries them through the tough times. (This is often when the baby elephant sneaks in. ‘Love is blind’ means that our attention is on the excitement of the relationship, so we’re not paying attention to the little stuff that happens around us.)

“7. Apathy. The relationship grows, but life gets busy. The initial excitement wears off, and daily pressures of work and other commitments begin to grow. Those little disagreements still come up, but there is less romantic energy to work on them. Tackling the tough issues becomes more challenging, and resources are more limited. The little elephant has found his place in the house and settled in.

“8. Arrangement. At this point, couples begin to form patterns of communicating. Generally, those patterns fall into one of two categories:

1.    dealing with the tough issues by talking about them
2.    avoiding the tough issues because they’re uncomfortable

Can you see these steps in your relationships?  Where did you maybe give up and say it’s not worth it?  So are you now willing to keep at it?

Yes, yes!

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