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“We might feel like our relationship is perfect.”

A thought by Mike Bechtle from his book, Dealing with the Elephant in the Room: Moving from Tough Conversations to Healthy Communication (p. 29). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)

And that can be so important to us.

Mike says, “So when the elephant gets bigger and smellier, we don’t want to spoil that image. That’s exhausting because it takes a lot of energy to pretend that we’re okay when we’re not. We’re not being honest about the elephant, which means we don’t deal with it. We’re embarrassed to admit that we need help because we feel shame.

“That’s why we don’t want to make a doctor’s appointment until we’ve lost weight and started exercising regularly. We feel shame and want to solve the problem ourselves to show we’re in control. But hiding the problem from others makes it almost impossible for us to get help. We don’t talk about it. We sequester the elephant in the bedroom when people visit, trying to convince them that we’re okay. But it doesn’t work. They can smell that something’s not right.”

He goes on, “A few years ago, I weighed about twenty pounds more than I do now. When my granddaughter, Elena, was just starting to talk, she toddled up to me, poked me in the belly, and said, ‘Baby?’ She knew what pregnant moms looked like and made the association. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but it was honest.

“Maybe we need to be as honest as our kids. They’re the ones who will say, ‘Hey! Did you know there’s an elephant in the middle of the room? Wow! It stinks! You should get rid of it.’”

He then says, “Here’s the thing: It’s possible to deal with the elephant. There are some basic principles of communication that help us to do the heavy lifting. But they require action. We can’t just hope the situation will get better. We have to make choices and do the work for change to take place.

“Healthy relationships will face increasingly greater challenges as they grow. But that’s okay because we will have the resources to handle those tough times. It’s like working out with weights. If we’re out of shape, we don’t start with heavy weight lifting. We start by getting off the couch. We use light weights at first because that’s all our muscles can handle. But as we get stronger, we’re able to lift heavier weights. If we tried to lift those weights at the beginning, we’d be sore and risk injury. Little steps begin the journey toward health and fitness.

So, will you start by just being honest?  Will you?

Yes, yes!

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