A thought by Mike Bechtle from his book, Dealing with the Elephant in the Room: Moving from Tough Conversations to Healthy Communication (p. 14). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)
OK, so how do we learn our life lessons?
Mike says, “We hear words, but we absorb actions. The life lessons we learn come by seeing how the key people in our lives respond to what life brings them. No matter what they say, we see their true character when things get tough and they’re under pressure and their defenses are down.”
He goes on, “This is true not just in marital communication. I remember walking into my daughter’s room when she was a toddler and watching how she was disciplining her dolls. She wasn’t using the kind, logical techniques we had tried to use with her. She was using the techniques we used when we were upset.
“Ouch.
“We learned how to communicate with others by observing the people who raised us. It doesn’t matter if we had a single parent, two parents, multiple custody situations, foster homes, or a dysfunctional setting. We learned to negotiate life by watching how people in that role interacted with others—spouses, siblings, friends, bosses, and strangers. That’s how we built the communication toolbox that we use in our lives and relationships.
“When relationships get challenging and conversations get tough, we use whatever default tools we have. We usually don’t stop to question their effectiveness, because they’re familiar. When they don’t work well, we just try to use more force or pressure. It’s like using a pencil eraser to get rid of something written in ink. It doesn’t work well, but it’s all we have—so we either rub harder or give up in frustration.”
He goes on, “But we can get new tools and techniques. We don’t have to be stuck with our default settings. We can develop new patterns of communicating that are effective in the toughest conversations.
“Our kids are in their thirties now, and we see ourselves in them—both the good stuff and the bad stuff. But we also see who they’ve become by the choices they’ve made. They aren’t us. They recognized the healthy patterns they saw and adapted them. They still have the tools they picked up from us, but they learned which ones are more effective than others, and they got new tools on their own to replace the ineffective ones.”
Will you search for and strive to use new tools and techniques, so you will not be stuck with your default settings? Will you?
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