A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.40). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)
Codependency can drain you emotionally.
John says, “The ‘need to be needed’ problem, codependency is the tendency to take responsibility for others’ lives, unhappiness, problems, or character immaturity. Whether it is motivated by concern, guilt, or a lack of understanding, codependency results in rescuing or enabling behaviors. If you tend to be codependent in your relationships, I guarantee you will feel drained at some point.”
He continues, “There is a reason that those who enable others feel drained. Codependents take ownership of problems that another person should be worried about. They are actually shouldering a burden that is not theirs to bear. It does not fit, it is not right, and it harms them and the person they want to help by regressing that person and removing them from accountability for their life. Codependents are taking on the wrong tasks, while the other person is not taking them at all. That is why, if you find yourself more concerned about another person’s problems than the person is, it is likely that you are codependent.
“For example, suppose your spouse has an anger problem. He gets mad at little things, he explodes, and he uses anger to control relationships. He has two internal gears: OK and mad. If you came to me and asked for help with the issue, I would ask, ‘Who is more concerned about this issue: your spouse or you? Is he saying, ‘“Look, I blow up and I hate myself for doing it, but I can’t stop. I can’t stand what it is doing to you and the kids. I’m going to get some answers and some help. Please be patient with me”’?
“‘Or is he saying, ‘“It’s not that bad. You’re overreacting. Anyway, you provoke it, and I wouldn’t do it if you weren’t so saggy’”—while you read books about it, talk to friends, look online for answers, and do all the rest of the search?’“
John goes on, “If you said it is the latter, then we would work on you changing things so that your spouse can become more concerned. The problem will not go away until the person doing it is worried about it. Can you see how drained codependency can make us?”
He then says, “Loving is not codependency. You cannot love others too much; it is just not possible. But you can take too much ownership over another’s life. That is very possible and very destructive for you. So, while we are to love people unreservedly, we are to be careful and clear about taking responsibility and ownership for their actions.”
Being responsible about something that isn’t our responsibility can wear us out, can’t it?
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