“It is certainly much more natural to care about those who care for us.”

A thought by John Townsend from his book, Loving People (p.27). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)

It really is but is that true love?

John says, “One of the most important realities of the nature of love is that the ‘lovability’ of the other person is ultimately irrelevant. Said another way, the more we require that the other person be lovable in order for us to care, the less loving we are. The converse is also true: the less we require the person to be lovable, the more loving we are.”

He goes on, “This is not an easy reality, but it is true just the same. It is certainly much more natural to care about those who care for us. But what is natural is not always what is mature and what is best. For example, my friend Donna is married to a man named Dylan, who can be quite self-centered and controlling. Dylan has been unkind to Donna, though he rarely admits or owns it when he does. He is not abusive or unfaithful, but he has some major character issues and has been very difficult to live with. Many of Donna’s friends have advised her to leave him, because they care about her and don’t like how he treats her. ‘He obviously doesn’t care about you,’ they say. ‘And there is no indication that he will change.’

“Donna and I have talked often about her relationship with Dylan. He is not a very lovable person. I like him in a casual way, the way that you can like someone from a distance, but I have a hard time getting close to him. He is not easy to connect with, and, beyond being a stable provider and having similar spiritual values and interests, he doesn’t offer Donna much at all. She has considered leaving the relationship, as it has been very painful for her. Yet she has stayed in the marriage and has committed to being his wife. When she is asked why, she says, ‘Well, for more than one reason. I believe that marriage is for better or worse. I have spiritual values about marriage that are important guides to me. And I love Dylan.’”

John continues, “Donna is telling the truth—she really loves him. I have witnessed this. She cares about him and his life. She listens to him. She supports his activities and interests. She is involved in making a good life with him and their friends. She is kind to him. When together with them, I have seen him talk about some difficulty in his life and watched tears come to her eyes for what he goes through. She is a remarkable person. I think that Dylan probably does have some love for Donna, in the sense of seeking and doing what is best for the other person. But I also think that she loves Dylan, using this definition of the word, more than he loves her. That happens in any relationship. This is not a put-down of Dylan; it is just an observation of the relationship.”

John then says, “Donna would not say that she is ‘in love’ with Dylan at this point, though that might change if he ever changes. But she is concerned about and cares for this man. Now, she is not in denial about him. Nor is she an unrealistically hopeful optimist. In addition, she does not put up with his hurtfulness and has strict boundaries with that. She will not allow unkind treatment that wounds her. If Dylan ever does become a more lovable person, it will be due in large part to a wife who stood by her husband and loved him from her heart, in reality, and thoroughly.

Donna’s example illustrates the point about lovability. In other words, people who truly love someone do so because of what is inside them, not because of good qualities inside the other person. I cannot overstate the significance of this for you as you learn these principles. When you can empathize and have compassion for someone who is selfish, unkind, or hurtful, you are becoming a truly loving and growing person.

I know, I know this is tough stuff but you see, don’t you, that this is true love?

Yes, yes!