A thought by John Townsend from his
book, People Fuel (p. 74). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book
title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)
John in introducing internalization said,
“Psychologists have termed this internalization, meaning that humans take in,
or internalize, good things from other humans, which then become a part of
their own character. Just as a root draws nutrients from the soil, we are
always internalizing something from those around us, whether healthy (grace,
support, and wisdom) or toxic (judgment, shame, or control).”
He goes on, “When a relationship is
sufficiently important to a person that they can feel some sort of interest in
and emotion toward another, the transfer can happen. Our brains need not only
objective data such as facts, principles, and research but also experiential
data. (My book Leading
from Your Gut deals in-depth with
these two needs of the brain.) Here are a few examples of how this can happen.
“•You tell a friend that your teenage
daughter is doing drugs and that you are anxious and worried about her. Your
friend focuses on what you are saying. He keeps full eye contact. He is not
distracted. You can see in his eyes that he is concerned for you. He says, ‘This
is pretty scary stuff. I’m really sorry.’ You begin to feel a bit better,
though there has been no change in your circumstances. Just knowing that he
understands you at your point of vulnerability and that you are not alone with
the problem helps. That’s the magic of internalization.
“•You are talking to your direct
report, a sales manager. She is not meeting her quota and is discouraged, as
are you. As you query her about the causes, you realize that she has the role
clarity, the talent, and the resources. She just needs a few more attaboys to
tip the ball into the net. You look at her and say, ‘I just want to let you
know that I get it, and I have full confidence in you for this job. I think I
am partly at fault for not telling you more often how talented and competent I
think you are, and I’ll be better about this.’ She leaves the meeting more
energized to succeed, as she has internalized your encouragement.
“•Your husband is a workaholic and is
distracted when he comes home. You work as well, and you guys have young kids.
But he gives very little attention to the family. You have tried being
supportive and understanding, but nothing is changing. Finally, in a
nonjudgmental tone, you say, ‘I need to let you know that while I am aware of
how hard you work, we have a problem here. I know you are exhausted after work
and need your rest, but I and the kids need your time and attention. I haven’t
spoken up about it, but it’s really hard on us.’ Though it is a difficult
conversation, your husband realizes you are right, and you two have a
productive talk. He internalized your necessary feedback, became aware of a
problem he had ignored, and responded to it.
“•Your organization has been growing
quickly and needs more infrastructure, as it is running a bit over its skis.
Your boss has been promising more support staff for your division. You have
asked several times, but he keeps putting you off. Finally, you grab a few
minutes with him, look at him in a sincere way, and say, ‘I need to let you
know that I am a total team player, and I want to support you and the
organization any way I can. I know you are under a lot of pressure yourself.
But the reality is, if you don’t let me fill three new admin slots in the next
thirty days, we will have some serious problems. I really need you to act on
what you told me last month.’ Another difficult conversation, but one oriented
more toward a call to action than the identification of a problem. Your boss
internalized your challenge and made the changes.”
He then says, “As you can see, these
experiences involve several factors. The person delivering the nutrient is
responsible for the information itself, the right sort of eye contact, warmth,
the right timing and tone of voice. The receiver must take responsibility for
attending, being vulnerable about his needs and situation, and being open and
receptive. And when the two individuals connect, you have internalization.”
And each one of us needs that, don’t
we?
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