“I don’t believe in gender theories that state how totally different men and women are.”

A thought by John Townsend from his book, People Fuel (p. 28). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)

So, what about our needs?

John says, “The reality is that we are more alike than we are different. The genders have much more in common with each other than we have distinctions. We all are created in God’s image. We all need to be attached deeply. We all need to have our own identities and boundaries. We all need to accept our flaws and those of others. We all need to find our purpose in life and express our talents to accomplish that purpose. Women and men share all of this, and this encompasses the majority of life. If we put the genders in two circles on a Venn diagram, most of the space would be intersected space and the minority of the space would be solely male and solely female.

He goes on, “The implications are that both genders need to work on this. Most men have to work harder on this than most women do. But all of us need to make sure we are getting our needs met, and providing those needs to others, in the best way.

“It is just as true that our relational needs are no less critical than our functional needs. Longitudinal studies have proven over and over that without significant supportive relationships, we have more psychological dysfunctions, we have more health problems, and we die sooner.”

He continues, “… most of us are much more comfortable talking about our functional needs than our relational needs. You can make statements like ‘I need a job in which I can express my passions and skills’ or ‘I need to lose weight’ or ‘I need a break today’ without angst or shame. There is no worry someone might think less of us.

“When we move from the functional realm into the relational realm, we tend to be pretty comfortable as long as it’s the other person’s need. There is little insecurity in saying, ‘I’m meeting with Samantha for lunch; she needs to talk about some issues with her and her mom.’ We are glad to help with that person’s need. Most of us feel compassion and want to provide in some way.

“But when the relational need is our own, the conflict arises. It’s harder to be Samantha or Sam, the one calling for support. We shy away from feeling that way or expressing ourselves like that. But we need to push past this and learn that asking doesn’t diminish us. It provides others an opportunity to express their support for us. And that in turn brings them toward us and improves both parties.”

And this is what we really want and need, and this is what we really need to work on, isn’t it? 

Yes, yes!