A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Changes That Heal (p. 128). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)
For some, making choices is very difficult but it is so important.
Henry says, “But our choices are not true choices unless we are aware of all the aspects of our identity that go into them—our feelings, attitudes, behaviors, wants, and thoughts. To own and make our own choices, we must be aware of all the aspects of ourselves that go into any decision. In addition, we must be aware that we are making a choice about almost everything we do.”
He goes on, “Choices have two directions: yes and no. We can choose to do something, or we can choose to not do it. We can choose to give to someone, or we can choose to not give. In either case, we are responsible for the consequences. This is the essence of having a sense of limits and the cornerstone of love.
“Many people give out of obligation and compulsion, which leads to resentment. They go to lunches they can’t say ‘no’ to; they spend weekends they resent spending; they give others time and energy motivated out of guilt instead of love.
“These actions can lead to the martyr syndrome, in which people sacrifice their own desires to arouse feelings of pity or guilt in others. Parents sacrifice time and money for their children, then try to make them feel guilty: ‘Well, if it weren’t for your schooling, then we could have traveled more or we could have had a nicer house or car.’ It makes children feel guilty for their very existence, like they somehow have the power to ruin their parents’ lives by accepting the ‘gift’ of school tuition.
He later says, “There are certainly things in life over which we have no control, but we always have a choice about how we will respond to these things. Our choices determine our direction in life, but if we do not own this fact, we don’t know where we are going, and we resent where we end up as if it were someone else’s fault.”
He continues, “Complaining and griping without trying to do anything about a situation is the essence of denying choice, and it renders us powerless and resentful.
“God wants us to own our choices and thus realize who we are.”
Henry then says, “Not making a choice is making a choice. God will hold us accountable for every choice we make, even when we do not think we are making one: ‘But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken’ (Matt. 12:36). We may think that some action or word is insignificant, but everything we do has meaning, everything we do or don’t do bears fruit. We have a choice: ‘Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit’ (v. 33). Our lives have fruit; we have no choice about that. We do have a choice, however, about the nature of the fruit we bear by choosing to own our ‘tree,’ our heart, and allowing God to work on it.”
So, let’s take responsibility for the foundation that comes from our choices, from our lives. Ok?
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