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“Boundaries, in a broad sense, are lines or things that mark a limit, or border.”

A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Changes That Heal (p. 110). Zondervan. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)

Now, this is an important issue when it comes to relationships.

Henry says, “In a psychological sense, boundaries are the realization of our own person apart from others. This sense of separateness forms the basis of personal identity. It says what we are and what we are not, what we will choose and what we will not choose, what we will endure and what we will not, what we feel and what we will not feel, what we like and what we do not like, and what we want and what we do not want. Boundaries, in short, define us. In the same way that a physical boundary defines where a property line begins and ends, a psychological and spiritual boundary defines who we are and who we are not.”

He goes on, “Stephen encountered many problems because of his lack of boundaries. He could not choose what he wanted to do apart from what others wanted him to do. Because he felt obliged and compelled to serve others, he couldn’t say no. And because he was over-responsible for others, he couldn’t take responsibility for his life. His lack of limits led him to chaos, resentment, panic, and depression. He was out of control.

“Stephen is not alone. Many people struggle to discover, set, and guard their personal boundaries. They truly cannot tell where they end and someone else begins, and thus they suffer from lack of purpose, powerlessness, panic, identity loss, eating disorders, depression, irresponsibility, and a whole host of other problems, all of which lead to a lack of real intimacy with others.

“Probably the most destructive result of lack of boundaries is physical and emotional abuse. People who are unable to set boundaries allow themselves to be repeatedly controlled and even injured by others. Stories of brutal spouse abuse abound because of the victims’ inability to limit the evils inflicted upon them. Few things are more heartbreaking than to see some loving person continually abused because of badly built boundaries.”

He then says, “If you can identify with these symptoms, you may have a problem in establishing and keeping boundaries. As with bonding, God created you in his image to have boundaries, and God has specific ways you can repair badly broken boundaries or build new ones. . . Rest assured that God can restore your damaged boundaries and your will.”

We can live with such pain and discouragement when we don’t live up to expectations and don’t set up boundaries, can’t we? 

Yes, yes!
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