"... we talk to communicate information and navigate logistical issues."

A thought by David Roberts from his book, Healing Conversation (p. 4). Moran James Publishing. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon to buy the book.)

This is the first of three purposes for us to talk.

David says, "It’s basic stuff. When are we leaving? What’s for dinner? Do you need anything from the store? Although functional talking is basic to navigating our lives, it still requires caring attentiveness to be effective. We encounter a lot of conflict because we do not communicate the functional information clearly. Without listening and clearly articulating what we mean, functional talking can complicate the simplest of tasks. This is where many of our conversations devolve. These logistical conversations typically are not impassioned or emotional unless someone has messed up the information and we experience conflict. At those times the kind of 'passion' that is revealed can be hostile and unsafe. If we can’t safely talk about such low-level information, how will we ever approach the vulnerable space of our inner worlds?"

He goes on, "Second, we talk to pursue an agenda. Think of this kind of conversation as 'debate.' In all honesty, how often do we open our mouths without an agenda, a goal, and a desired outcome in mind? We have decided. We place our needs at the center of most of our conversations. Why talk at all if not in pursuit of convincing others of our point of view, or to get something, or to create an effect? It’s astonishing how much of our conversations live in this space. Often, even our logistical issues can become labored by agenda-driven words and expectations. In other settings we might call that passive-aggressive behavior. We rarely speak without some idea in mind about how we expect people to respond. Underlying this kind of communication is a deep-seated belief that I get it, I’m right. The world would be a better place, my family would be happier; my friends smarter, if they would just listen to me and agree!"

He continues, "The third distinct kind of conversation is relational talking, characterized by genuine hospitality. There is empty space within which conversation can thrive in order to build connections between people and families. These are conversations based on wanting to understand another person’s life, emotions and journey. Empty space implies a place to talk without any agenda, judgment, or even preconceived ideas concerning the outcome. It’s just free space, empty space to roam around and graze on ideas and thoughts, nuances and feelings."

He then says, "Great relational talking ascends to art. It is much more risky and vulnerable than functional or agenda-focused talking. It pushes deeper into what makes each of us who we are. It dares to explore our struggles, our goals, purposes, and answering life’s persistent questions. In this space, people want to define their terms and make sure the other person understands what they mean by their words. In this space, people long to be understood and strive to completely understand others. Words in this setting cause us to 'turn together.'"

And in all of that there can be conflict. And that is where we will need healing, isn't it?

Yes, yes!