A thought by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend from their book, It's Not My Fault. (pg. 42) Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)
John says, “It is literally can’t do thinking. In this mentality, people feel unable to make any move to better their situation or reach their goal. They feel profoundly helpless. I can’t thinking simply shuts the door to opportunities, hope, and change. There is no recourse; nothing can be done and nothing can be different.
“Now, certainly there are some can’ts in the world. Most of us can’t become NBA players, or Harvard professors, or Jack Welches. But the number of people endowed to achieve these goals is a tiny percentage of a tiny percentage of the population. There are a lot more cans than can’ts out there, but somehow for some people the can’ts seem to carry the day.”
He says, “Actually, there is a certain relief in I can’t thinking. When people give up on a dream or on changing a problem situation, they feel they can stop beating their head against a tree. No longer must they keep making attempt after attempt. They give up, change directions, and change their focus and expectations.”
But, he later says, “I can’t is usually distorted thinking because it simply does not reflect reality. You can overcome the distortion by substituting reality phrases for I can’t in your personal vocabulary. Here are a few that are usually more accurate than I can’t.
“I am avoiding difficulty: Trying to get that raise will be a lot of work, but it’s more than I know to say whether I can or I can’t before I try.
“I am afraid: I fear that if I ask my friends to set me up with a date, they’ll think I’m desperate.
“I’m not sure: I can’t tell what will happen when I tell my wife I’m not happy with our sex life, and it’s hard for me to say things when I’m not sure about the outcome.
“I won’t: The catchall. I realize I really could start taking night courses for an MBA, but I just won’t do it right now.”
He then says, “There is hope in all of these phrases, certainly a lot more than in the utterly hopeless ‘I can’t!’ If you label your excuses honestly, you can learn to face difficulties you are avoiding; your fears can be comforted, and you can be reassured; a lack of sureness can turn to confidence, and even your refusal to make a move still implies that you have a choice. Whereas I can’t takes the choice out of your hands. So pay attention to your vocabulary and banish I can’t thinking (except maybe for your hope of playing in the NBA).
So, will you start to overcome the distortion by substituting reality phrases for I can’t in your personal vocabulary? Will you?
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