A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Integrity (p. 55). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)
And that is a very good question, isn’t it?
Henry says, “Why do the ‘nice couples’ get divorced? Why do the ‘loving parents’ have kids that go sideways and join countercultures? Why can’t some really nice leaders capture the hearts of their people? It is sometimes because when it comes to human behavior, being nice is not enough. We have to be connected with, and that is a whole different dimension of character. What is that dimension?”
He says, “Fundamentally, what undergirds this component of character is involvement in the ‘other.’ Connection is the opposite of ‘detachment,’ whereby a person is a kind of island unto him- or herself. Now, don’t confuse that with being introverted, or extroverted. Those are styles that can be used in the service of either connectedness or detachment. You can be very extroverted, and even nice to people, and never establish a deep bond. In fact, an extrovert’s wordiness can even serve to keep people at bay and never allow them in.
He goes on, “Detachment is about not crossing the space to actually enter into another person’s world through the curiosity and desire to know them, to understand them, to be ‘with’ them, to be present with them, and ultimately to care for them. Sadly, a lot of loving and nice people are detached in this way, and their relationships suffer for it.
“People feel cared about, and trust is built, when they know that we have a genuine interest in knowing them, knowing about them, and having what we know matter. I was talking to the president of a company about this concept recently, and he told me a story that he was personally affected by. He had recently had to do some layoffs in the company as a result of his parent company’s directives, and it was going to be painful for some people. As they discussed it in the management team and made plans, the division leaders were assigned to take care of most of it. But, feeling for the people losing their jobs, he wanted to talk to the ones at a certain level himself. For him, it was an act of caring to do that personally. He was concerned for their pain and distress.
“In one of his meetings, he told one man that he was losing his job and how sorry he was. He told him that he felt for him and understood how difficult this must be, and how he just personally wanted him to know that it was not taken lightly, and that he hoped it would all work out OK for him. He wanted him to know how valued he was. What the man said surprised him, but got his attention:
The man said, “You know, I really understand. That is business. Layoffs happen, and sometimes there is nothing that can be done about it. It is just the best business decision, and I don’t in any way take it personally. It will be hard, but that is just part of the way that business works. But let me tell you what I do take personally, and what does hurt, and what does bother me.
“I work right down the hall and have been there for some time. I see you all the time. And this is the first time that you have ever said more than just a nod or ‘hi’ to me. You basically don’t even acknowledge that I am there. That bothers me a lot more than the fact that you are laying me off.”
Henry then said, “The president was stunned. It had never occurred to him that he had done that, and I could tell he was affected by it, and he told me he would never allow that to happen again. In the midst of all the noise and work, he had allowed himself to become detached and not involved in the ‘other’ at least to a degree that made him feel as if he mattered.”
And letting people know they really matter will make such a difference, won’t it?
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