A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Integrity (p. 91). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon.com to buy the book.)
And we so many times need this.
Henry says, “Encourage literally came from ‘in courage.’ The courage is put ‘into’ you from the outside. Our character and abilities grow through internalizing from others what we do not possess in ourselves. My mother literally ‘gave me strength’ as if through a transfusion.
“But, that could not have happened if she had just come along and said, ‘Oh, don’t be afraid. You can do it,’ or, ‘It’s not that hard,’ for neither of those would have integrated both sides of things. For me to be helped, and to connect with her, I needed a model who was strong enough to depend on, but vulnerable enough to identify with. That combination is what made it work. In essence, it said, ‘Hey, she is like me, in that she is afraid sometimes and feels like she can’t do it. But, she does it anyway. She pushes forward.’”
He then says, “Her vulnerability is what made her power available to me.
“That is the key point about character in this particular dimension. For you to build trust with people, you have to be vulnerable enough for them to identify with you, so that you are not so ‘unlike’ them as to be alien. And, you have to be strong enough for them to feel that they can depend on you.
“Research shows that models who are followed, which ultimately means trusted, are models who have the following characteristics:
1. They possess strength.
2. They possess ‘likeness’ to the ones following them.
3. They are warm.
4. They are imperfect, and coping models, as opposed to perfect ones.”
He goes on, “These are all bridges of both power and vulnerability, having to do with character. If a leader, for example, is weak, people lose faith. We do not follow incompetent leaders, for we do not feel that we can trust them with our lives or futures. Interestingly, strength here is about executive power, or ability, not force. A domineering, forceful person is not trusted as much as a person who displays strength through the exhibition of competent performance. Some of the weakest leaders are the ones who try to dominate through forcefulness of personality, as opposed to the ones who lead through the strength of their effectiveness. Being effective is experienced by others as strength.”
He later says, “… this takes a real, authentic person. If people are really narcissistic or have a need to be seen as more than they really are, or to be admired as having it all together, then they cannot be followed and trusted by others. The gap is simply too far to connect with. Or if they try to dominate others, bully them around, and be more ‘powerful’ through sheer force, trust is not building. Compliance may be occurring, but ultimately, we move away from people that we are simply complying with. But with those we trust, we follow and throw in everything to give them the best we have.
And that is so true, isn’t it?
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