A thought by Gary Chapman, from his book, When Sorry Isn't Enough (p. 22). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition. (Click on the book title to go to Amazon to buy the book.)
Good question.
Gary continues, "Maybe not always, as we shall see. But it does form the basis of our first language of apology: expressing regret. Expressing regret is the emotional aspect of an apology. It is expressing to the offended person your own sense of guilt, shame, and pain that your behavior has hurt him deeply. It is interesting that when Robert Fulghum wrote his book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, he included as one of the things he learned: 'Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.' Expressing regret is fundamental to good relationships."
Gary says, "Apology is birthed in the womb of regret. We regret the pain we have caused, the disappointment, the inconvenience, the betrayal of trust. Regret focuses on what you did or failed to do and how it affected the other person. The offended one is experiencing painful emotions, and they want you to feel some of their pain. They want some evidence that you realize how deeply you have hurt them. For some people, this is the one thing they listen for in an apology. Without the expression of regret, they do not sense that the apology is adequate or sincere.
"A simple 'I’m sorry' can go a long way toward restoring goodwill. The absence of the words 'I’m sorry' stands out to some like a very sore thumb. Quite often offenders will not realize that they have left out some 'magic words,' but you can be assured that the listener is scanning the silence for those missing words."
Jennifer said, "Let me share a personal story. Last spring I was part of a group of women who received end-of-the-year prizes for each having led a small group. I selected my prize from a sales consultant’s catalog and was eagerly awaiting the arrival of my thank-you gift. The summer came and went with no delivery of my product. I began to wonder, Where is my order? When the end of the year came with no package, I concluded that my order was not likely to come. I actually decided at that time that it was not worth pursuing the issue with anyone. I reasoned that I had enjoyed leading the group and put the item out of my mind with the refrain, 'Easy come, easy go.' Imagine my surprise when I received a telephone message from the consultant the next spring. She said that she had been cleaning out boxes and found my order! She closed the phone message by saying simply that she wanted to arrange to get the item to me. For my part, I was pleasantly surprised to be in the position to receive that which I had let go. However, something was nagging at me. I replayed her message and confirmed my suspicion: She had failed to say, 'I am sorry for my mistake,' or to express any sort of regret. I would have quickly embraced such an apology."
Jennifer then said, "As it was, I pondered the issue in my mind long enough to write it down and to wonder how often I might do the same thing. Do I correct problems, yet not assume responsibility or express regret? The magic words 'I’m sorry' would have made a world of difference to me."
They do, don't they? Yes, yes! #continuethought
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