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"An apology has more impact when it’s specific."


A thought by Gary Chapman, from his book, When Sorry Isn't Enough (p. 25). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.  (Click on the book title to go to Amazon to buy the book.)

It really does. 

Gary continues, "When we’re specific, we communicate to the offended person that we truly understand how much we have hurt him or her. Specificity places the focus on our action and how it affected the other person."

Jennifer says, "And the more details we can give, the better. If I stood someone up for a movie, I wouldn’t just say, 'I’m sorry I didn’t make it to the movie.' It would mean more to the person if I could list all the ways my action affected her. 'I know that you left your home on time; you stopped what you were doing. You made it down here during rush-hour traffic; you had to wait and be concerned about my well-being. I know that you like to see the entire picture, and for you, my neglect may have made you unable to enjoy the movie since you missed the beginning. I can imagine how upset I would have been if a friend had done this to me. You have a right to be angry, disappointed, frustrated, and hurt—and I want you to know that I am sincerely sorry for my irresponsibility.'

"The details reveal the depth of your understanding of the situation and how much you inconvenienced your friend."


Gary says, "Sincere regret also needs to stand alone. It should not be followed with 'But …' Rodney, who has been married three years to his second wife, says, 'I know that my wife means it when she says, " 'I’m sorry. I know that I hurt you by yelling at you.' " Then she does not go on to accuse me of causing her to get upset. My first wife always blamed me for everything.'

"Numerous individuals in our research made statements similar to this. 'She apologizes, but then turns it around and blames her actions on something I did.' "

He later says, "Anytime we verbally shift the blame to the other person, we have moved from an apology to an attack. Attacks never lead to forgiveness and reconciliation."

He then says, "Regret focuses on dealing with one’s own behavior and expressing empathy for the hurt it has caused the other person. Insincerity is also communicated when we say 'I’m sorry' simply to get the other person to stop confronting us with the issue. Rhonda sensed this when she said, 'Early in our marriage, my husband did something really damaging. He absolutely refused to be sorry or repent. Then eventually he said that he was sorry, but it was only to get me off his back. His actions spoke more loudly than his words, indicating: ‘Drop it! I want to get out of this trap.’ He didn’t see that what he had done was wrong and hurt me deeply.' "

This is so important for us to see, isn't it? Yes, yes! #continuethought






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