A thought by Henry Cloud, from his book, Necessary Endings (p. 63).
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And that is a good thing, isn’t it?
Henry says, “It is one of the most fundamental character strengths in the human repertoire. Life and success depend on it, in every area, from performance success to relationship success to even our physical health and well-being. Especially with winners and high performers, quitting is never an option.
“But there is a toxic version of not quitting. It happens when the label of ‘quitting’ in the big sense is equated with stopping a particular goal or endeavor. In other words, if you quit any one thing, you are a quitter instead of being wise. For example, the map says that ending a particular business strategy means you are a quitter. Or giving up on a relationship means being a quitter. ‘If you shut down this project, or quit trying with this individual person, you are a quitter, and that is terrible,’ is what the internal map says. Quitting is just bad, period. Always, anytime, anywhere.
Henry continues, “Furthermore, the label gets attached not to the project or the individual case, but the self. ‘I am a quitter,’ is what goes through the person’s head, instead of ‘I decided to fold on this particular hand. It was stupid to go forward.’ One of the most important aspects to any high performance is the ability to separate one’s personhood from any particular result. Quarterback Peyton Manning does not think he is a loser if he throws one interception or loses one game. His identity is separate from any one result. Likewise, successful leaders are bigger than any individual outcome; their sense of self-worth doesn’t depend on its having to work. Their whole self-image is not at stake. They are separate from ‘the deal.’
“If leaders are not separate from a particular outcome, then there is real trouble. I have seen many leaders drive companies downward in a relentless, stubborn drive to make a particular vision or strategy succeed, or even a person, so they would not feel like or be labeled a failure. In reality they became much more of a failure because of their failure to fail well. Failing well means ending something that is not working and choosing to do something else better.”
He goes on, “Psychology researchers Charles Carver and Mark Scheier make the distinction between ‘giving up effort’ and ‘giving up commitment.’ They point out how important it is to realize that giving up on some particular commitment doesn’t necessarily mean you have to give up on effort. Instead, that effort can be redirected to another goal worthy of your resources. But some people have maps in their heads that say, ‘Any giving up is bad.’ This belief keeps them from endings that should happen. See: C. Carver and M. Sheier, ‘Three Human Strengths,’ in A Psychology of Human Strengths: Fundamental Questions and Future Directions for a Positive Psychology, eds. L. Aspinwall and U. Staudinger, (Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association, 2002), pp. 87–102. Sometimes it makes sense to quit a particular project or goal. It does not mean you are a ‘quitter.’”
And the distinction between giving up effort and giving up commitment is so important for us to see, isn’t it?
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